blotting

by Vera Cruise

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1.
grace 01:32
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2.
love 04:08
lyrics
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I don’t choose life, I choose love I’m full, let me sink Don't tell me my waiting was worthless Looking towards you, no longer able to look out with you No green dot of reassurance there is none anymore Knowing another person is less about instances of communication Those quiet moments of touching with no words The event, the encounter, the insanity of feeling The atlantic a wall that you sat on the other side of As if I could see you over the curve Even now, 22 miles, you stay there I’m closer, you’re farther away Counting the containers, the layers of material Air, skin, water, bone, drywall, wood That’s love May it consume me May there be no hope
3.
june 04:39
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4.
waiting 04:58
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waiting - 7 hours after, 7 hours before wake up early to say goodnight sleep comes from wearing down tired of my heartbeat, worrying about your posture You are a dream An apparition that appears to me on a screen Time tries to flow straight ahead but it fumbles clumps up, sections of it hanging off wanting to hang up and not on in the present I still wait I count the hours how many between hellos until they’re no longer desired I count the hours Paralyzed from fixation or lack I am moored or I am just floating by What did I ever have, surely not you I’m screaming like Eliot whispered life is very long the terror of the promise of tomorrow learning experiences, becoming… becoming I’m waiting I don’t know for what I’m waiting I don’t know for what I’m waiting the terror of the promise of tomorrow Now each section of the cord still loose, pinched at the intersections and interstices pull it taught still I wait “…Life is very long Between the desire And the spasm Between the potency And the existence Between the essence And the descent Falls the Shadow For Thine is the Kingdom For Thine is Life is For Thine is the This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper.”
5.
blotting 04:28
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Is it a stain, a cover or a dying everything jaded, lost in the green faith that is a performance is not faith What I can’t imagine isn’t the issue I will watch it play out day by day pain fading from figure to ground and not necessarily being any better for it “I wish I could take a photograph of a feeling” and then two tears, just two wiping them away and saying “I’m the one who cries, not you” Don’t come find me when you’re who you said you were blotting the creases and folds of memories have I been erasing or highlighting I’ve become invincible no heroism, no unstoppable force an immovable object my inertia sustains me something long and slow put here forever ago by forces outside of my control In weakness I’ve found my strength In apathy I’ve found my tether Even as nothing any longer keeps me here pain at least breaks the monotony the general schema of stupid belief Risks and stakes on the table Everything else stripped away Words that repeat of their own volition drowning in the ones regurgitated often enough to surround me just creeping up past my chin when I found out It was always impossible it remains

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songs for love

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released September 24, 2017

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Vera Cruise Minneapolis, Minnesota

I also make music at painritualmn.bandcamp.com

fuck fascism

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